More than just a check

“You’re not going to broken forever”

That’s what I have told myself for years. Every bit of progress made, pushed back by yet another speed bump.

It is tricky, an art, to balance the crazy with the normal. A dance between somber and elated. It is a roller coaster of emotion sometimes all felt in the same day, the same hour, even the same minute. I can fly off the handle with anger, be annoyed at a smile and cry with laughter.

I think that is how it is for a lot of people that suffer from depression or anxiety. You never know how you are going to feel moment to moment, day to day. It sometimes feels like you will never have a normal healthy emotional day. You struggle based on what you’ve been told is deemed normal behavior and crave that ideal. Here is what you’re not told. Mental illness does not look the same on everyone. Every case every diagnosis is unique. You are being lumped into a textbook definition and a checklist meeting the requirements of what the medical definition of the disease looks like. As humans we do not all fit into the neat little boxes society has so nicely set out for us and if we are the ones that don’t fit we are made to think there is something wrong with not society.

I don’t know about any of you but I find it extremely exhausting to continously try to measure up to a standard predetermined for me. A standard I don’t even want to be apart of. I think it is liberating to be different, unique. One of a kind isn’t really one of a kind when we try so hard to be the same. It is like that for me, I want to stand out yet blend in. See even as I type this I am telling a tale of 2 selves. Feeling mixed emotions, fighting internally seeing which side will win this battle in the ever raging war. Be different, unique, stand out, don’t cause trouble, status quo, act normal, be quiet. Complex… Simply being who I am exhausting.

Remember that balancing act I was referring to earlier. As you grow you become better at it. You recognize triggers or motivators. You adapt to the way your brain is wired and you learn to live with these imbalances, these imperfections. Eventually if you’re lucky it doesn’t feel like work anymore; if you aren’t one of the lucky ones you suffer, you surcome, you loose.

I have been lucky. All things considered I have managed quite well over the years. I continue to put in the work, everyday. For me I do not let my depression or anxiety define me. I am so much more then a series of check marks on a list to diagnosis.

We all are. I hope one day we all know it.