Internal battle

Just begin. You’ve been here before. Think about it; it’s not really a beginning but a resurgence. You’re thoughts are jumbled up, so many of them with nothing to say or everything to say. You’re not making sense. No one will understand. You’ve been gone to long. No one will read this. Nobody cares.

I have started. Came back to where it started. I have so many thoughts, ideas, things to share. I haven’t really left, just started channeling my thoughts and feelings in a different way. To be clear I only ever did this for me.

You think that is true? What a way to heal. A medium for anyone to see. The darkness and static spilt onto pages up for judgment and ridicule by friends and strangers alike. Smart… you don’t talk about your feelings yet you wrote them for all too see.

Yes it’s true. I did it for myself. I did it because I don’t talk about feelings, I rarely ever have. It doesn’t mean I was ashamed of them or that I didn’t have anything to say. Talking about them was hard. Talking is hard. Words get twisted, mixed up and my thoughts become unclear. Writing, writing is easier. It’s faceless and what I need to say flows from me in a way that can be followed, understood and captured. It is easy for me to set it down, clear my head, refocus and continue. Yes I do it for me. If others read it well that is great too.

So you’re just going to start again. Like no time has passed. It’s been a year, you’re forgotten, no one will remember.

Yes. The answer is yes. You’re forgetting why I started in the first place. It wasn’t to change the world, or to gain followers or become something or someone else. I started because I wanted to sort out the static, to let go, to heal. I write to remember. Remember the good, the bad, the dark, the light. I write because the unspeakable has happened and it can’t also go unwritten. Will it be like before, no, when I started I wrote daily. I don’t need that now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need this.

Very selfish. You you you. How do you think this comes off. You just showing up after all this time as if things are the same.

They are the aren’t the same. I know that. I’m different. The world is different. There is a beauty in that. I am not unique to these experiences, it my experience within them that is unique. Silence both by mouth and pen has not changed that. So why not just start..

Ok, well then all I can say to you is;

Here we go.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s