I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written. So many things have happened, and if I am to be honest I have been hesitant to share them with you. You see I find myself still so angry with you. It is those feelings of anger that enhance my feelings guilt and then I find I am in this cycle. The proverbial hamster wheel of the last 6 years. My anger is not just directed at you, I mean how can it be, how can one be so mad for so long at someone who is no longer here. As a part of me feels foolish that I still am this way even now when those closer to you seem to have moved on so heroically. It is because of this I have been so distant lately. Yet here I am angry and full of guilt sitting here pouring it out through my fingers because I have no one in my life that comforts me like you did, or anyone I trust like I trusted you. No one as close, you have ruined me for them.
In today’s world people are further apart than any point in my lifetime, yet with all the technology at our fingertips closer then ever before. When the world stood still last year and everything slowed, the humming of society quieted to a whisper I found myself thinking of you more. In the hours spent alone, analyzing my life, revisiting the darkesrlt corners of mind. I would visit you. Replay some of our greatest hits, laugh a little, cry a little more. I have started talking about you more, getting your name past my lips without tears in my eyes. Laugh while sharing stories, our stories. It may not seem like much to you, but in those early years every time your name was spoken I got weird looks and affectionate gestures. I am glad we have moved on from there.
I celebrated your birthday differently this year. I wanted to honor my promise all those years ago. He was more than understanding and supportive (as you know he is) and let me pick your day to become our day. You were there, in my bouquet, in the chair that sat next to us, in moment we shared just after. I no doubt know you are as shocked as I that I actually went through with it, especially after our last conversation about it where over Ceasars I swore I would never. You smiled and said we’d see. When the excitement of the day was past us and we were in the hotel alone, a birthday toast, a new chapter for us and looking forward to the next. You were there.
Tomorrow’s the day. I still remember the way my hand felt holding yours. How small you looked in that bed. The tubes coming from you, the sound of the machines keeping your organs viable. Looking down on you, almost unrecognizable. You were such a force and there you laid, small, defeated by yourself. It was searching for face behind the bandages and ventilator I started to become angry. Ashamed for you how could you have been so selfish, so irresponsible your kids, your family, friends… me. Saying my good-byes I walked away. The days following are a blur, I wrote a eulogy but I couldn’t get the words out, I stood there speechless tears running freely down my face as my mom spoke my words. The days following turned into months and they all blur together. I’m on autopilot and you’re not here.
Can you feel it? The anger? The guilt? It is always there just under the surface. I try to use all the techniques I have learnt about in school, in life yet these unresolved feelings just sit there. I think about what you would say to me if you were here. The witty comment or heartfelt opinion. I think of when I was low and how you didn’t give up on me, how you saved me and I regret everyday I couldn’t do the same for you. Would anything I say make a difference at all, many of us had been trying for years. The excess proved too much. A new emotion regarding you has surfaced, its envy. No not of you but those who have seemed to resume normality those who have seemingly moved on. They carry you so differently then I. Why am I lagging behind for all intents and purposes incapable of moving forward.
I still miss you. I see myself always missing you. Every year on this day I always tell myself “this will be the year, you’ll face it this year.” Then as all the years past small advances made, surface changes, and it all repeats with next years lie. However this year this year will be the one that changes things. I’ve come too far to be stagnet. Remain stagnet. I still miss you. Your place in my life remains vacant. A position a standing that is unmarked by another. Like I said you have ruined me. But mark my words… this year is going to be the year.
I hope you’re at peace. I’ll think of often. I promise it won’t be so long for the next letter
Miss you always, C