Have you ever felt guilt?
I’m not talking about the guilt associated with an extra sweet, one too many drinks or even with a choice you wish you could take back. I am talking about soul crushing, mind numbing guilt. This is the guilt that cripples you, paralyzes you. Leaving you so broken that you fear the pieces will never fit again…
I suffer from this guilt. Its nothing I intentionally did to get this guilt. It happened over time, years really. Many small harmless choices made always thinking there would be time to make it up.
I was so focused on putting my life together after it was ripped to shreds I became selfish. Something I dont recall ever being until this. I blew off her calls, didn’t respond to text message for hours even days. Made excuses to not spend time always assuming she’d be there.
Until she wasn’t.
Over time I thought if I spoke of this guilt, tried to amend my feelings I would heal, be able to move on, grow. Yet I retreated further, forgot who I was and got lost. So lost I didn’t even recognize myself. I became a stranger in my mirror. A shell of who I was. It wasn’t even about her anymore and that made me feel more guilt. You see it turned into this comforting misery, it took me back to the dark. It took me back to the
All of a sudden I was back to where I had clawed myself out from. The darkness, the static ringing in my ears above all else. My mind starting playing the same tricks I thought I was done falling for. Yet here I was back there. Comfortable and oddly at peace. People who have suffered depression as I have might understand what I mean. It feels good to feel bad sometimes. When you feel hopeless, unloved, and ugly; you feel a calmness fall, not because you enjoy feeling with way. Rather because if you feel these things you can joy, happiness and best of all
Inside the eye of the darkness, I sat slowly killing every part of me. The good, the bad, the hopeful and hate. I sat inside that darkness longer then I should have. I put on a front to those around me whether or not they were fooled they never said. I sat there and laid to rest into the static pieces of myself. It was there I gave light to a new version of myself. One forever tainted by the bloodshed that happened here. The broken pieces is what I built myself upon. Stronger. It’s like they say, broken bones heal stronger than they were. Same here, I feel stronger in all the parts that were cracked. The places were I put myself to rest.
Moving forward I carry the memories of what once was trying to honor the past. It is no easy feat there is so much guilt resting in a resurrected soul trying to stay afloat. Yet I press on. Those like me press on. Like a dear friend of mine said to me today. We move on because it’s what we do.