Hands

A calming silence fills room

Odd in a moment like this

All these people around

Whispering amongst themselves

Yet I don’t hear a thing

My eyes focused downward

My hands crossed on my lap

I contemplate my next move

Heavy in the chair

Playing out the different scenarios in my mind

Wrestling with the inevitable outcome

My mind is racing

Yet my heart is steady

I feel eyes on me

Through the silence I hear them

Repeating my name

They are gaining ground

On grabbing my attention

I refocus on my hands

Start pulling on a piece of skin

Attached to my thumb

I want to stay lost in these thoughts forever

Among with the demons and the hope.

If I acknowledge them it all becomes real

Too real

A spot of blood on my thumb

Where I’ve pulled the skin back to far

Focus on the red

Don’t look up

Dont reach for a tissue

Remain vigilant in your task.

I urge myself

Their voices are becoming louder

More determined then minutes ago

Pulling me out of my determined silence

Back to the reality at hand

A hand on my shoulder now

I feel its warmth through my shirt

I am losing this battle as well

I steady my mind

Take a breath

Admitting defeat I look up

I meet their eyes

Instantly all the sound comes crashing in

I am overwhelmed by the information

And sympathetic faces

The questions come at me

Fast

Furious

Trying to focus on my breath

Slow

Steady

I am ready to speak

To answer

To surrender

My mouth opens

They are looking at me with heavy anticipation

There are no tears in my eyes

No hate in my heart

I look across the desk

In one sentence my life will be forever changed

“What are my options?”