Depression, anxiety, turmoil looks different on everyone. Everyone’s grass looks greener when you think you only have dirt. Many think it’s easier to have these depressed people fit into pre-cut boxes instead of dealing with a case by case basis.
I have spoken of my static and depression briefly before. It is something that I have dealt with for years, and will continue to deal with for years to come. I used to feel that my depression was something to be embarrassed about or if not embarrassed simply just not to speak of it, I was under the impression no one wanted to talk about it growing up that people where just content to let me be. So I didn’t talk.
I suffered in static silence..
Do you know what I learnt from suffering in silence????? Nothing……
I was miserable and when I was miserable I made people around me that way as well. I was rude, angry and disrespectful to myself and others. I created unhealthy outlets for my depression and rarely if ever reached out for help.
I was broken and beat down. I saw no end in sight for my suffering. The more deflated I got, the darker my world became. It felt as though I was being swallowed into an abyss. Everyday I was getting further and further from myself. I suffered this way for years. I lied to those close to me saying I was ok because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be the sad one, the depressed one, the crazy one. I wanted to be normal. Happy, secure most of all I wanted the static to be silenced.
Through all my years with mental illness I have learnt a few tricks and have grown to recognize my triggers and see my toxic behaviours and can stop myself from sinking as low as I once was. I have had many stumbles along the way and have learnt to lean on people in my life and not carry my burdens alone. There are days when all I want to do is lay in bed in the dark and feel everything so deeply that I am momentarily crippled. However I refuse to step in that deep I am comfortable there. Scarily comfortable. I wonder if other people who suffer from a mental illness like myself find comfort in the their darkness. If they even in part enjoy that rawness that comes with it.
When I look back and see how I have grown. How I openly talk about the parts of myself that are not that pretty, that are jaded and damaged, I surprise myself. I have moments of pride to know I have came back of laying on my floor for days, or contemplating death or looking at myself through such a hate filled filter. I am no longer ashamed of the things that make me different or the things that I thought made me horrible.
Having a mental illness does not make you less than. Or half of a person. If you suffer you are not alone. There are people out there that know of what you feel and we are here for you. Reach out, message, call a friend. You’re loved and you are valid. There is a community of support and we are listening.