Let’s Talk

Depression, anxiety, turmoil looks different on everyone. Everyone’s grass looks greener when you think you only have dirt. Many think it’s easier to have these depressed people fit into pre-cut boxes instead of dealing with a case by case basis.

I have spoken of my static and depression briefly before. It is something that I have dealt with for years, and will continue to deal with for years to come. I used to feel that my depression was something to be embarrassed about or if not embarrassed simply just not to speak of it, I was under the impression no one wanted to talk about it growing up that people where just content to let me be. So I didn’t talk.

I suffered in static silence..

Do you know what I learnt from suffering in silence????? Nothing……

I was miserable and when I was miserable I made people around me that way as well. I was rude, angry and disrespectful to myself and others. I created unhealthy outlets for my depression and rarely if ever reached out for help.

I was broken and beat down. I saw no end in sight for my suffering. The more deflated I got, the darker my world became. It felt as though I was being swallowed into an abyss. Everyday I was getting further and further from myself. I suffered this way for years. I lied to those close to me saying I was ok because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be the sad one, the depressed one, the crazy one. I wanted to be normal. Happy, secure most of all I wanted the static to be silenced.

Through all my years with mental illness I have learnt a few tricks and have grown to recognize my triggers and see my toxic behaviours and can stop myself from sinking as low as I once was. I have had many stumbles along the way and have learnt to lean on people in my life and not carry my burdens alone. There are days when all I want to do is lay in bed in the dark and feel everything so deeply that I am momentarily crippled. However I refuse to step in that deep I am comfortable there. Scarily comfortable. I wonder if other people who suffer from a mental illness like myself find comfort in the their darkness. If they even in part enjoy that rawness that comes with it.

When I look back and see how I have grown. How I openly talk about the parts of myself that are not that pretty, that are jaded and damaged, I surprise myself. I have moments of pride to know I have came back of laying on my floor for days, or contemplating death or looking at myself through such a hate filled filter. I am no longer ashamed of the things that make me different or the things that I thought made me horrible.

Having a mental illness does not make you less than. Or half of a person. If you suffer you are not alone. There are people out there that know of what you feel and we are here for you. Reach out, message, call a friend. You’re loved and you are valid. There is a community of support and we are listening.