Longest relationship I ever had was never really a relationship at all. It had characteristics or the makings of one but never materialized into anything. I look back on it now and wonder when given the choice if I would have chosen different and how would life be different.
We talked about it once. Sat for a long time weighing out the pros and cons. Both knew where we would end up. Yet talked of it anyway.
Our lives are so different now. I wonder if we’d even notice each other today. If we have anything in common. Fragments of who we were.
Sometimes even all these years later I think about us, you’ve become the person that for me is unattainable. Someone that will never belong to me. A person I long for.
I wonder how many other people feel for someone how I feel for you. I can’t be the only on that is hung up on what was, can’t fully move forward even after years pass.
They say that the first love it always the purest, the first cut the deepest, that with emotions that are that raw that you’ll never quite match the intensity once you’ve experienced them. I feel that for you.
I felt that for you. Our forbidden love. It was not always prevalent but it was there. I look at myself and still see you. You were always who I wanted to be. If we just decided to do it. Coexist. All these years I could have been better. Peaceful. Happy. COMPLETE. Inside we split, light and dark, love and hate, whole and broke, saint and sinner, healthy and ill. If we fought a bit harder, negotiated better I wouldn’t have suffered as deeply. I wouldn’t have been pulled into two. I wouldn’t have always felt so alone as I did the night, my confidence and I split.