Can they see through me? See me for the fraud I am. The liar I have become. These feelings I have resurface from time to time. The static and darkness creeps in trying to snuff of my light.
It’s not a call for people to give words of encouragement. Or fill me with compliments ensuring me I can and will overcome whatever the hurtle I am facing. I don’t want to hear it. I want to be able to feel these feelings of static and dark without having to justify them or without the guilt I have feeling them.
These feelings have come along way in the 20+ years I have had them. Just as I have. I view them differently they effect me differently then they once did. To somone who doesn’t know depression as closely as I or have had different experiences may see this as odd or alarming. I assure you it’s not.
When you suffer from mental illness it is apart you. If you’re lucky you adapt, not let it define you or limit you just live. Sometimes you live more cautious or differently then you’d like, but you do. I am a lucky one. I adapted I welcomed and embraced my dark and static I let these feelings ground me. They became not my undoing but my starting point. Everytime I get knocked down (not out) from it I just get up and start from there. Understand this I am under no disillusion that this is the case for everyone in fact I believe that depression is like snowflakes no one case is the same. It’s all in the individual and how they cope.
As always this is just my opinion, my rambling trying to make sense on the funk I am in or will find myself in because it’s my cycle. It will not break me and as always I will start from here. I just want to be here for awhile first.