I am not sure of the exact moment when I started thinking about death. I used to say I did, but I looking back now, it’s a blur. I remember being the saddest person on the planet (that is how is felt, I know it is not true), I remember feeling lost and hopeless. The world was an unfair, cruel truth resembling nothing like the stories and the ideas of my childhood. Whatever I said, whatever I did nothing brought me even a moment of happiness. Everything was a forced smile, an illusion that I created to float under the radar.
On World Suicide Prevention Day I thought about my past, the depression, the darkest of times. the moments that I needed the most help and the people who were there for me when I did. I thought about the steep climb I had from rock bottom in my life to where I am and the places and heights I want to reach. When thinking about my journey I could not help but think of journeys of some close to me that have not come out on the other side of their darkness.
I had a great support system growing up, and yet even with all the support and resources I had I still had a bleak and desperate view on my life. I remember how I felt the lead up to when I attempted suicide. I thought about how I wanted to die, the reasons of why I want to die. It was really all I thought about, the dark thoughts consumed me I became a shell of who I was. Looking back I don’t even recognize her but I do want to give her a hug.
Having been there myself I still have no idea how people end up at a point so low they can’t imagine continuing but would rather cease to live. Everyone’s road is different, and the loads in which people can carry with them differ as well. As unique as we all are, depression is just as unique. My triggers, are different than my friends who also suffers depression, and hers are different than yours. The fact that the triggers can truly be anything might play a part in why sometimes the signs are so hard to detect, and you don’t know someone is suicidal until it is too late.
If I can share anything from someone who suffers with depression, its please be patient with us, we survive a day at a time. There is no cure for mental illness and it is something so many of us suffer from. We don’t want to disappoint the people close to us, we already feel horrible every moment of everyday please understand we don’t like feeling this way and if we could make it stop or feel better we could. No one likes feeling hopeless.
I know that if someone you love is suffering from mental illness and has felt suicidal or is suicidal you also feel hopeless, lost, and desperate to help them. If you suspect someone is feeling this way, talk to them, support them, Listen to them. Show them regardless of how they feel they aren’t alone.
If it is you that feels this way. You are strong, you can come through this. Nothing is worth giving up. No matter how dark it is where you are, you can make it to the light and smile again, feel alive. Be alive.