What makes you a woman? Is it your hair or makeup, your breasts, your ovaries, your vagina? Or is it a mind thing, is it how you feel regardless of how you look?
When I was growing up I just always believed it was how you felt. It wasn’t the mechanics behind being a woman who made you one. It was for better or worse how you felt.
One day that changed for me. It wasn’t a lasting change thank goodness, it was a moment of pity and anger that changed the way I viewed the world if only for a moment.
I had always had a rough period. It lasted longer then it should and was often way to heavy for comfort. So when a wonder drug Depo Provera hit the mainstream I knew it was the birth control of my choice. A shot every 3 months and no period? Umm ok…. Let me just run down to the Dr and get me some… So I did. And for the first year, year and a half it was AMAZING. Better then amazing it was well I don’t know what is better than amazing but it was that. Then the cramps started, and the spotting, was just for a day or two at first then nothing. However then it started happening more regularly so off to the doctor I went. I was given an extra shot saying it’s rare but sometimes it’s needed. Well that didn’t work, now I was spotting everyday for weeks. My doctor gave me a pill to try. It was a hormone called progesterone it was supposed to stop bleeding, another fail. So month later I was back at Dr where an estrogen supplement was given to help. So I started taking that as well…. Yes as well. Not instead of but as well….and it didn’t work either. Then I started to feel tired all the time and heavy. One day I was in so much pain when I tried to breathe it brought tears to my eyes. It did not pass for hours, so I did what anyone would do in my situation… I called my mom.😀 I will not get into anymore details however it was discovered that I had a blood clot in my lung the size of the palm of my hand. Did you notice when I said before I started taking estrogen as well, well turns out I was supposed to discontinue taking every failed attempt at fixing me when a new one started Oops, guess I should have just known that. Lesson learned
It was in the hospital that tests were finally run… again FINALLY run (for those wondering yes I have a new doctor now lol). It was from the tests they determined I have an underlying blood condition, it is a clotting disorder, and with it came with challenges and one devastating blow. I am unable to carry a child.
I never wanted children, even as a young child I knew I didn’t want kids. Let me tell you, sitting in that chair hearing those words I was…. crushed. Hearing I couldn’t have children made me in that moment want a herd of them. I didn’t know what to say so I uttered ok. Listened to the rest of the changes and left.
I went home climbed into bed and cried.
I felt a slew of emotions. The one that stuck out was inadequate, I felt as if I was fundamentally broken, defective, like I failed at being a woman. It was silly to mourn to the loss of something I never wanted until that afternoon when I learned it was no longer an option. There it was I hated and felt cheated out of choice.
It was in the days and months that followed that I hated myself. It was a real low. I felt like I had failed at something that was so easy to win at. What are women if not baby machines.
Yep, I called myself a baby machine. Looking back what was I thinking? It wasn’t my organs that made me a woman. I had known this before yet forgotten it when I was up against a challenge. I am a woman for so many reasons and what makes me, is the sum of all things not just biology.
Many years have passed since I found out I couldn’t have children. I go days without thinking about it. I still don’t want children of my own. I have been blessed with a beautiful niece and my pseudo nieces and nephew. I don’t feel the same way I did then at all. I carry no hard feelings toward the situation. I know I am not inadequate I am the way I was supposed to be. Perfectly me.