I’m gonna get me……

I want to take some time and talk about self sabotage…. Anyone else do it? Anyone else let that voice that tells you “you can’t” win out even for a second. Do you set out to do something, conquer a task small or large and when you are almost there or stop for a second you talk yourself out of it? A job, a goal, love? Do you allow the bad to only be seen and convince yourself there is no good or that it isn’t deserved by you? Does self sabotage stop you from being you?

I was the queen of self sabotage, for years I was punishing myself for a crime I’m not even sure I committed. Every time I even detected happiness I pumped the brakes, created an exit strategy and hightailed my arse in a different direction. Usually a super unhealthy one like self hate, self harm, self loathing (it’s a different realm then hate trust me) and all around poor decisions. I used anger and sarcasm as a perfect deflection from the real problem. All this negativity became a crutch, a band-aid to stop myself from whatever the start goal was. It was and is depressing to think of all the good I missed out on over the years because I was so busy trying to be everything I hated instead of being someone I liked, hell someone I respected.

I don’t remember when that all changed whether is was over night or slow I just remember looking up one day and having a different outlook. Maybe I grew up let the angst go, forgave the unforgivable. Or many I stopped caring about it to only realize I cared more than I ever had.  I became secure in my insecurities and looked forward to the tomorrow I had always dreaded.

As years have passed I have not been without set backs or bumps in the road.  I have had plenty, big and small, real and imagined but I as they said never give up and never surrender.  I push on.  There is this quote I don’t know who said it (but I liked it enough to have it tattooed on me) “In the face of adversity, never say I quit.” So I didn’t and I don’t.

Self Sabotage is a sneaky foe.  Just when you think you have it beat and you are about to break free from its grasp it smacks you in the face and you’re back where you started.  So again you set out on your fight.  It is relentless; but it will learn so am I……..


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